Mooch, we hardly knew ye

Anthony Scaramucci is out as White House Communications Director, as we all know by now. The hiring of the Mooch to replace Reince Preibus, who had lost the confidence of his boss, resulted in the resignation of Press Secretary, Sean Spicer, who refused to work for the Mooch.

Spicer reportedly said that Mr. Scaramucci’s hiring “would add to the confusion and uncertainty already engulfing the White House.” What he actually said was closer to “this guy is a low-life scumbag from Queens and we’ve already got enough of those around here”.


The Mooch was recommended by that dynamic duo of king-makers and Tweety-whisperers, Jared and Ivanka, and had the “full support” of the President. For about a week. Given Tweety’s attention span, a week isn’t actually all that bad.

The Mooch became immediately famous for his profanity-laced descriptions of other White House notables, like Priebus (“a fucking paranoid schizophrenic”), and Bannon (“trying to suck his own cock”). But this isn’t really what Tweety objected to, as it’s basically the same language and attitude that he’s always been comfortable with. And anyway, none of his “base” was offended by the vulgarity because FoxNews didn’t report it, so they never knew about it.

It’s more likely that the Mooch’s knack for self-promotion and love of the limelight was what alienated Tweety, who doesn’t want anyone’s name in the news but his own.

The Mooch lost more than his job. He lost his family as well. His 38-year-old wife of three years, who was nine months pregnant, filed for divorce. She gave birth to a son while the Mooch was with the President at the now-infamous Boy Scout Jamboree speech, where Tweety bragged to an audience of kids about wild parties on yachts owned by rich friends of his.

The Mooch, on hearing of the birth, texted his wife, “Congratulations, I’ll pray for our child.”  Texted? Wow. That says it all. Everyone knows you don’t text your wife when she gives birth! What a moron. Everyone knows giving birth calls for a tweet, not a text! No wonder she divorced him.


The main contribution the Mooch was supposed to make to the White House was to stop all the “leaking” that’s been going on. But the leaking became worse. Everything was “leaked”. It just makes you wonder why everything is such a big secret to begin with. What was so awful that got “leaked” that sent the Mooch over the edge?

Welp, the big thing they wanted to keep secret was that  Scaramucci was having dinner at the White House with Tweety, Melania, Sean Hannity, and the former Fox News executive Bill Shine. This was “leaked” to Ryan Lizza of The New Yorker, who tweeted (of course) about it.

The Mooch just about had a stroke when he saw that. He called Lizza in a rage and threatened to fire everyone in the communications office unless Lizza revealed who “leaked” it (as if Lizza would give a shit if he did). The Mooch said,

 “You’re an American citizen, this is a major catastrophe for the American country. So I’m asking you as an American patriot to give me a sense of who leaked it.”

Wow. OK. Slow down, Mooch. If you think that citizens finding out that the President is conspiring with Sean Hannity is a “major catastrophe”, you’re the one who needs to brush up on patriotism.

The catastrophe is that they’re conspiring in the first place – the rest of us finding out about it is actually what the press is supposed to do. The press is supposed to be independent, remember? As Communications Director, that would be something you should be aware of, no?

Anyway, the Mooch is history now. It was fun while it lasted.



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